TASTES LIKE CHICKEN
by FreakTard
Summary: In which Our Hero does battle with a cannibal, a nemesis from his past, his Mother-in-Law, assorted relations both living and deceased, and various members of the animal kingdom.


BIG OFFICIAL LEGAL DISCLAIMER

The following is intended solely for the amusement of my fellow Dexter geeks. Obviously, I don't own any of these characters, so please let's not all get our knickers in a twist and start speed dialing our lawyers, okay?

TASTES LIKE CHICKEN

_In which Our Hero does battle with a cannibal, a nemesis from the past, his Mother-in-Law, assorted relations both living and deceased, and various members of the animal kingdom._

EXT. AL SOLDANO'S APT. - LATE AFTERNOON

Dexter is sitting in his car, watching the entrance of a crappy apartment building.

DEXTER V.O.

Tonight's the night. Actually, it's more like "this afternoon's the afternoon" but that sounds kind of lame. I usually prefer late-night playdates, but Rita's mother is visiting and I have to make an appearance so she can tell me what a horrible person I am. It was kind of complicated fitting this social call into my busy schedule, but my new friend should be worth it. Luckily he lives just around the corner from Rita, so all I had to do was fake a stomachache, skip out of work a couple hours early, and make a quick stop on my way to dinner.

EXT. AL SOLDANO'S FRONT DOOR - FIVE MINUTES LATER

Dexter is picking the lock and letting himself in.

DEXTER V.O. (con't.)

Al Soldano is a gourmet chef suspected in a series of murders in New Orleans. He got off on a lack of evidence, but he's suspected of eating his victims, and even of serving them to his customers. I've met a lot of interesting people in my line of work, but never a cannibal. This is going to be so cool.

INT. – AL SOLDANO'S APARTMENT

Dexter is inside, rummaging around. The apartment is messy and decorated with a disturbing amount of Silence of the Lambs memorabilia, including a huge poster and a Hannibal Lecter bobblehead. Dexter flicks the bobblehead with his finger, then shakes his head and moves on. He finds a large stack of gourmet magazines, a well-equipped kitchen complete with professional-quality cookware, and a large, bloody chopping block. He crosses the kitchen to the huge industrial-size refrigerator and opens the freezer. Inside are various cuts of meat, wrapped in butcher paper. Dexter unwraps one. It's part of a human leg. He unwraps another. It's a side of human ribs.

DEXTER V.O.

Looks like someone's planning a barbecue.

Dexter opens the refrigerator. He takes the lid off of a casserole dish, and finds a human liver with side of fava beans.

DEXTER

Now that's original.

Next, he opens a Tupperware container. Inside is what looks like Buffalo wings, but with human fingers instead of chicken.

DEXTER

Ewwwww. That is just gross.

Dexter lifts the lid of a third pot, and finds an entire human head with an apple in its mouth.

DEXTER

Oh, for Christ's sake. That does it, I've seen enough.

Dexter hears someone fumbling with the locks at the front door. He closes the fridge and, crossing the room silently, hides behind the door. The door opens and AL SOLDANO enters. He's an overweight forty-something hipster, with a soul patch and a porkpie hat, kind of like a sleazy version of Angel. Dexter stabs him in the neck with a syringe and he goes down.

INT. AL SOLDANO'S APARTMENT

Dexter has set up his kill room – the walls are draped with plastic, and Al Soldano is on the dining room table, secured with plastic wrap. He opens his eyes.

AL SOLDANO

What the fuck?

DEXTER

I was going to ask you the same thing.

AL SOLDANO

Why are you doing this?

DEXTER

Let's just say I'm not a big fan of your culinary habits. I mean, I'm pretty open-minded, but _that_ (he gestures to Al's concoctions, set up like a buffet with the severed head as a centerpiece) is just _disgusting_. And what the hell is up with _this_?

Dexter holds up the container of Buffalo Fingers.

AL SOLDANO

It's finger food – get it?

Dexter looks pained.

AL SOLDANO

And look who's getting all judgmental, Mr. Saran Wrap-fetish guy. Besides, you didn't seem to be too disgusted yesterday – what was it, three medianoches and a side of fried bananas? Jesus, where do you and your girlfriend put it all? Are you bulimic or something?

DEXTER

That's my sister . . .

AL SOLDANO

Riiiiiight . . .

DEXTER

. . . and what the hell are you talking about?

AL SOLDANO

Where do you think I work, asshole? If you don't believe me, check the pay stub in my wallet.

Dexter crosses the room, grabs Al's wallet and pulls out a pay stub.

DEXTER

You work at Relampago's?

AL SOLDANO

Yeah, it's a great place to dispose of my leftovers.

As the realization dawns on him:

DEXTER

Ohhhhhhh . . . you have got to be fucking kidding me.

AL SOLDANO

You don't even wanna know what the bananas are fried in . . .

Al starts laughing. Dexter loses his temper, grabs a cleaver and chops off Al's head. It rolls across the floor, through a gap in the plastic, and gets stuck between the stove and the refrigerator. Dexter sighs and shakes his head in disgust.

DEXTER

What the hell is wrong with people?

Just then his phone rings.

DEXTER

Hey, you. Sure, I can pick up some wine. I'll be right over.

Dexter walks over to Al's wine rack and picks up a bottle. He rolls his eyes and puts it back down. It's Chianti.

INT. RITA'S HOUSE – EVENING

Dexter is sitting at the dining room table with ASTOR, CODY and GAIL. Gail has a Jack Russell terrier sitting on her lap. Dexter and the dog are glaring at each other with pure hatred. Dexter's hand is bandaged. RITA is in the kitchen.

RITA

Sorry about your hand, Dexter. I should have warned you about Mr. Dribbles.

DEXTER

(with obviously forced good cheer)

That's okay, I have two of them.

He shoots another dirty look at the dog, who snarls back.

GAIL

(looking pointedly at Dexter)

Dogs are very good judges of character, you know.

Dexter gives her a phony smile.

DEXTER V.O.

In the Middle Ages people believed that witches communicated with Satan through animal familiars. I've never been much for superstition, but I'm starting to think they may have been onto something.

Rita comes in carrying a roast and puts it down in front of Dexter.

RITA

Dinner is served.

Dexter stares at the roast queasily. It reminds him of Al Soldano's freezer.

RITA

Well, hurry up and carve it, already. I'm starving.

Dexter unenthusiastically carves the roast. He cuts everyone a slice and passes it around. They all picks up their forks to eat, except for Gail.

GAIL

Wait, aren't you going to say grace?

DEXTER

(annoyed)

Uh, no?

Rita gives him a dirty look, then folds her hands and starts saying grace. Dexter reluctantly plays along.

DEXTER V.O.

If you actually existed I would take this opportunity to ask you to remove this horrible woman and her demon familiar from my home, but you don't so I won't. But just in case, please don't let me puke during dinner. Amen.

Everyone is eating with relish, except Dexter, who is poking his meat with his fork and looking nauseous.

GAIL

(to Cody and Astor)

So, what are you two doing in school this week?

ASTOR

I'm doing a book report on the Donner Party. They got stuck in the mountains and ran out of food, so they ate each other!

CODY

My class is having a potluck. We're supposed to bring food from different countries, but I drew Scotland so I don't know what to bring.

GAIL

You could bring haggis.

CODY

What's that?

GAIL

It's heart, lungs and liver, boiled in a sheep's stomach.

ASTOR

Ewwwww!!! Gross!

CODY

Neat! I want to make haggis! Can I, mom?

Dexter is not digging the dinner conversation.

RITA

Dexter? What's wrong? Why aren't you eating?

DEXTER

Do we have any tofu?

ASTOR

You mean like hippies eat?

GAIL

Loss of appetite is one of the warning signs of drug abuse, you know. How long did you say you've been sober, Dexter?

DEXTER V.O.

Oh crap, not this again.

DEXTER

I don't know, a year or something?

RITA

(getting pissed)

You don't know your own sobriety date?

DEXTER

My what?

Just then Cody puts a slice of roast over his face.

CODY

Look! Silence of the Lambs!

Astor giggles. The adults are appalled.

RITA

(really pissed)

Dexter! You let the children watch Silence of the Lambs?! What were you thinking?

ASTOR

It's not from Silence of the Lambs, it's from Cable Guy!

RITA

(really, really pissed)

You let them watch the Cable Guy. Dexter, that is _not_ a children's movie.

DEXTER

It's not?

Dexter isn't really paying attention. Cody still has the meat on his face. It's reminding Dexter of Hannibal Lecter, which is reminding him of Al Soldano, which is reminding him that he ate three people-meat sandwiches yesterday.

DEXTER

I'm gonna be sick.

He runs to the bathroom. When he comes out, Rita and Gail are giving him the stinkeye.

RITA

Dexter, what the hell is wrong with you?

GAIL

He's on drugs. Just look at him.

DEXTER

(improvising frantically)

Hey, I just have the flu or something! Masuka caught some weird virus from this Tanzanian hooker when he was on vacation, and he gave it to the whole department,

and . . .

Dexter trails off, realizing his mistake.

RITA

(super-mega-industrial-strength pissed)

WHAT!?!?! YOU JUST BROUGHT SOME CREEPY TROPICAL DISEASE INTO MY HOUSE?!?!

DEXTER

Er . . . . sorry?

GAIL

It's probably the Ebola virus. They have that in Tanzania, you know.

RITA

OUT! And don't come back without a note from the doctor.

Rita shoves Dexter out the door and slams it in his face. He stares at the door in shock for a second, then shrugs his shoulders and walks away.

DEXTER

At least this gives me more time to clean up Mr. Fava-Beans-and-a-nice-Chianti. Jesus, what a poseur.

INT. AL SOLDANO'S APARTMENT, NIGHT.

Dexter is putting the last few pieces of Al Soldano into a hefty bag.

DEXTER

Serves you right, you stupid Hannibal Lecter wannabe . . .

He hears a noise and looks up to see Mr. Dribbles standing next to a ripped-open trash bag.

DEXTER

Who let you in here, you furry little creep? Did the Wicked Witch of Wisconsin send you to spy on me?

Mr. Dribbles picks up one of Al's hands and takes off.

DEXTER

Fuck! Come back here!

Dexter gives chase, but the dog has too much of a head start. Dexter follows him down the stairs and down the alley towards Rita's house.

EXT. RITA'S HOUSE – NIGHT

Rita, Gail, Cody and Astor are all outside looking for Mr. Dribbles. As they stand in the yard calling his name, he runs between Gail's legs and ducks into the house unseen by everyone except Dexter, who is hiding behind a bush. Dexter sees the dog, still carrying Al's hand, run into his doggie crate. As Gail's gaze turns in his direction, Dexter ducks down lower and comes face to face with an angry cat, which arches its back and hisses before taking a swipe at Dexter's eyes. As Dexter tries to grab the cat, it turns and sinks its teeth and all four sets of claws into his hand. He shakes his hand, frantically trying to dislodge the cat without making any noise. He finally flings the cat over the neighbor's fence, where it lands with a crash. Everyone turns in the direction of the noise.

CODY

What was that?

GAIL

Terrorists, probably. Or maybe Dexter and some of his drug addict friends trying to break into your neighbor's house so they can get a fix.

Rita rolls her eyes.

ASTOR

Hey, look, Mr. Dribbles is back!

Everyone goes inside. Dexter is still behind the bush doubled up in pain and cursing under his breath.

DEXTER V.O.

I wonder if Ted Bundy ever had this problem?

INT. RITA'S HOUSE – NIGHT

Everyone has gone to bed. Mr. Dribbles is in his crate, happily gnawing on the hand. Dexter sneaks in and crosses the room to the crate. He squats in front of it. The dog snarls at him. Dexter gives him a "nice doggie" and tries to grab the hand. Mr. Dribbles snaps at him. Dexter curses, then goes to the kitchen and picks up a meat cleaver. He holds it behind his back and squats down again.

DEXTER

Here, Mr. Dribbles. I've got a cookie . . .

GAIL

Don't lie to my dog.

Dexter jumps to his feet and turns around to find Gail standing behind him, giving him the evil eye.

DEXTER

(flustered)

Oh, hi Gail! I was just, uh, looking for my wallet. I must have dropped it at dinner, and I think I saw your dog chewing on it, and . . .

GAIL

For that you need a meat cleaver?

Just then Mr. Dribbles comes out of his crate with the hand in his mouth. Gail sees the hand and opens her mouth to scream. Dexter, in a panic, tries to put his hand over Gail's mouth, which causes the dog to drop Al's hand and clamp his teeth onto Dexter's ankle. Dexter reflexively swipes at Mr. Dribbles with the cleaver, cutting him in two. He looks up to see Gail staring at him in shock. He grins lamely.

DEXTER V.O.

Oops.

GAIL

You . . . you . . . monster!

DEXTER

No, wait! It was an accident! Look, we can take him to the vet, they can put him back together! They can do that stuff now, I saw it on the Discovery Channel (holds up the two pieces of Mr. Dribbles), I'll totally pay for it and everything!

GAIL

Get away from me, you freak. I'm telling Rita. This should finally be enough to convince her to dump you once and for all.

Gail turns toward Rita's room. Dexter is completely out of ideas.

DEXTER

Ah, fuck it.

Dexter brings the cleaver down on Gail's head.

INT. DEXTER'S CAR – NIGHT

Dexter is driving back to his place. He sees a beaten-up car with one of those "Mother-in-Law in Trunk" signs in the window.

DEXTER

At least I'm not the only one.

He turns on the radio. The song "Mother-in-Law" comes on. He looks annoyed and changes the station to some marching music. He smiles.

INT. DEXTER'S APARTMENT

Dexter is standing at the stove, stirring a large pot and whistling "Ding Dong, the Witch is Dead." HARRY appears beside him, wearing an apron and chef's hat.

HARRY

You know, you've done a lot of fucked up things, Dexter, but this takes the cake.

DEXTER

Hey, it's not my fault Rita has so many annoying relatives.

HARRY

But cannibalism, Dex? Who do you think you are, Jeffrey Dahmer?

DEXTER

I'm not gonna eat her, I'm going to pin it on Al Soldano. She's going to be his last victim before he mysteriously skips town.

HARRY

That's a retarded plan.

BRIAN

Tell me about it.

Dexter looks up and sees BRIAN and DOAKES sitting at the kitchen counter. Dexter is so startled he screams.

DEXTER

What the hell are you doing here?!

DOAKES

Why, is this a bad time?

BRIAN

It's nice to see you, too, Dexter. Oh, by the way, Lila says "hi."

Doakes and Brian snicker and hi-five each other.

DEXTER

I don't believe this. So you guys are buddies now?

DOAKES

Don't ask me. You the one making this shit up in your head, you crazy fuck.

Brian picks up a VHS tape sitting on the counter shows it to Doakes. They both start giggling.

DOAKES

Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants?! You watch this shit?

DEXTER

Oh fuck, I was supposed to return that. Rita's gonna kill me.

Brian makes the sound of a cat meowing followed by the crack of a whip, together with accompanying hand gestures. Dexter doesn't take it well.

DEXTER

Oh yeah? Well, remember when I hung you up by your feet and cut your throat? I totally got off on that.

DOAKES

Bullshit! You were crying like a little bitch.

DEXTER

I was . . . I was just trying to be polite! Anyway, how would _you_ know?

DOAKES

Brian told me.

DEXTER

(to Brian)

Oh my god! You are _such_ a dick!

BRIAN and DOAKES

(chanting)

Pus-sy whipped! Pus-sy whipped!

HARRY

Boys! That's enough!

BRIAN

Shut up, Harry, you're not the boss of me.

DEXTER

Yeah, Dad, fuck off.

There is complete silence as Harry, Brian and Doakes stare at Dexter in shock.

BRIAN

(shaking his head disapprovingly)

Wow.

DOAKES

That's cold. Your own father.

DEXTER

(mortified)

Wait . . . I didn't mean . . . I'm sorry . . .

With that all three ghosts burst into jeering laughter and hi-five each other.

HARRY

Ha ha! Suckerrrrrrrrr!!!!

DEXTER

THAT DOES IT! GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE . . .

He throws a frying pan at Brian

DEXTER

. . . NOW!!!

The frying pan flies across the room and knocks over a lamp. There is dead silence in the apartment. The ghosts are gone. Dexter sighs and turns back to his cooking.

DEXTER

Fucking dead people. What a bunch of assholes.

DOAKES

(in the distance)

I heard that!

Just then the bedroom door opens and DEB and ANTON emerge. Dexter screams again.

DEB

Hey bro. Who are you talking to?

DEXTER

Wha . . . what are you guys doing here?

DEB

Our water was out so we came over to use your shower, and . . .

DEXTER

(suspiciously)

Wait, the water was out at _both_ your places?

DEB

. . . then one thing led to another, and . . .

Anton sees that Dexter is getting irritated and changes the subject.

ANTON

What's cooking?

DEXTER

It's, um . . . haggis?

ANTON

I didn't know you were Jewish!

DEB

It's Scottish, retard.

ANTON reaches for the ladle. Dexter tries to stop him.

DEXTER

NO!

Anton and Deb look at Dexter questioningly.

DEB

Jesus, have a spaz attack why don't you!

DEXTER

It's . . . it's, um, not ready.

Anton takes a taste. Dexter tries to hide his disgust.

ANTON

Needs salt.

Deb and Anton head for the door. Deb punches Dexter in the arm.

DEB

Oh, and you might want to change your sheets, if you know what I mean.

DEXTER

I might want to change my locks, too.

INT. DEXTER'S LABORATORY – DAY

Dexter is sitting at his desk, watching Silence of the Lambs clips on YouTube. His phone rings. It's Rita.

DEXTER

Hey, you.

RITA

Dexter, have you heard from my mother?

DEXTER

Nope. Didn't she say something about leaving really early this morning?

RITA

I don't remember that.

DEXTER

Yeah, you must have been in the kitchen. I think she had to leave because her coven was getting together to boil some newts or something.

RITA

Her what was what?

DEXTER

I may have heard wrong.

RITA

Good enough for me. Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you for helping Cody with his school potluck. That was so sweet of you.

DEXTER

Huh?

RITA

Sorry for not calling first, but I ran into Deb and she gave me your keys to give back to you, and then she told me that you were making haggis, and anyway I wanted to apologize for last night, so I just let myself in, and there it was, on the stove all ready to go. It was a big hit with the class. The children loved it.

DEXTER

(weakly)

Oh, shit.

RITA

What?

DEXTER

I mean, that's nice. I'm glad they liked it. Happy to help.

Dexter hears Cody burp in the background

CODY

Where's Grandma?


End file.
